My Husband Sent Me to My Room ~ A Wife’s Lesson in Submission

** This blog post has caused quite a stir in some circles. Be sure you read the entire article before posting a comment and please be kind on comments. I love differing opinions, but I will not allow foul language. I also encourage you to read this Bible Study post on submission which I wrote that explains, with scripture, a Biblical picture of marriage. My husband is not abusive, and I encourage you to read more of my posts so you can see evidence. This post shows one moment in time, one moment in my marriage, where I learned a valuable truth. **

“Please, go to your room!” There was frustration in his voice, but not anger.

I walked away in shock. I closed the door and sat on my bed. I paced the floor. The door opened and he came in to get something.

“Am I in trouble?”

He looked at me and said, “Yes, you are. You were disrespectful to me in front of someone. It was awkward. You do that a lot.”

He closed the door and left the room.

submission marriage

The Anger:

I was so mad! How dare he!

I’m an adult! He sent me to my room.

I cannot believe this!

And as I cleaned up my son’s Legos from the floor, I sat and fumed as poison dripped from my brain into my heart. Submission is for the birds!

The Brokenness:

Then the Spirit showed up. “You need to talk to Me,” It said.

But I don’t WANT to, I thought. I continued to pick up tiny, colorful, plastic things and throw them into a bucket.

Are you behaving like an adult? He is your husband. You are his wife. He loves you and wants what is best for you.”

BUT……HE’s not acting like an adult!

BUT….He’s in the wrong, too!

but…I can only take responsibility for myself.

I was wrong. My husband was right. I had snapped at him in a moment of emotion and I should not have. I did not display humility and grace, or self-control and poise. The Proverbs 31 Woman would have been HORRIFIED!

People can say what they want to about marriage and a wife’s role in submission, but I have found that my ability to submit to my husband is a direct reflection of my relationship with God.

And what I needed in this moment was Jesus. I was broken. I had done wrong and sinned against my husband. Had he done wrong towards me? Yes. But I can only take responsibility for my own actions.

I sat on my bed with Jesus for over two hours.

The Reconciliation:

Once the kids were in bed the door opened.DSCN6945

“I love you,” he said as he walked past me to get ready for bed. When he returned he asked, “So how was your day?” and he sat on the bed and placed his head on my shoulder.

There was no anger.

“I had a really hard day,” I said quietly.
“I love  you,” he said again as he hugged me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry, too. I love you.”

He didn’t say anything more about it. We both understood each other. We both knew we had not handled the situation in the best manner. No more words were needed. How can I not show respect and submit to a man who loves me like that?

I am blessed beyond measure.

His Unsolicited Explanation:

Our daughter we are in the process of adopting had apparently been “pressing my wife’s buttons” all day.  Then, my wife had just dealt with a boneless flop down fit in the ladies’ room.  She was at the edge of snapping.  I did not know any of this.  I said something to my wife that she did not like and she snapped at me in front of people.  It was awkward.  It made me mad.  I’m not too logical when I am mad.  Poisonous thoughts started dripping for me then.

My wife had to go take care of something.  The little one did not want me, she wanted Mama and she threw a fit for me while my wife was gone.  A few minutes later, as we were leaving, I told my wife to take my car.  The little one screamed most of the way home.

When we got home, I told my wife to go to our room and stay there.  I did pajamas, teeth, books.  Somewhere in the middle, we had that conversation where I said I was upset with her.  I was rude.  She was in our bedroom because I wanted to give her a break, so the little one would not have her way, and because I did not want to look at her.  At one point, the kids went in to tell her goodnight.  She looked less indignant at that point.  (She’s a stubborn old coot.)  I had cooled off a good bit, too.

While I was folding the laundry on the couch, I sang to the kids songs from our wedding hoping she could hear them.  I was so tired, I did not want to take the time to make up.  I just wanted to fix it and go to bed.  I contemplated just taking all the blame so I could get to sleep soon.  But, then there’s the principle that I could not let go of.  (I’m a stubborn old coot too, you see.)

Well, you’ve heard the rest of the story.  I think we were asleep in 10 minutes and we did not go to bed angry.  So, it worked out OK.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you read this article in its entirety, you now understand that both of us were in the wrong. This was not an example of abuse, but of selfishness on both his, and my, part. In our marriage we attempt to honor one another above ourselves and in this, we both failed on this day.

** I hope you will join me in January as we tackle the immense blessings and intricacies of marriage. As you can see, I need to dig into God’s Word and learn how to be a better wife. Believe me when I say I do not have all of this figured out. Maybe we can help out each other!!

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Comments

My Husband Sent Me to My Room ~ A Wife’s Lesson in Submission — 39 Comments

  1. Really great post! It was cool getting to read both view points! Isn’t it just so sad that we can put on a nice face for everyone else and then be so unrespectful to our husband…the one person in the whole world we love with all our hearts…

    • Are you all kidding me?? This is not healthy! This is not communication! This is not an equal and open relationship! This is highly disrespectful to peoples feelings and not talking through these things and actually supporting the other person is very unhealthy.

      • I agree 100%. what about telling each other WHY don’t like the way the other one behaved and have a discussion about it. Submit? That is coming from a 2k yr old culture. No longer valid. Authors of bible owned slaves, owned their wives, owned their children. The fact that people are taking their lessons on how to be married from a 2 thousand year old male dominated slave owning culture is just sad.

        • How do you know that you are correct? Go back and read the scriptures and watch how *God*, *Jesus*, treat women. That was one reason why men wanted Jesus killed. He didn’t do the status quo. He treated people differently than what was socially acceptable. God is perfect, men are not. Our husbands are told in scripture to be like *Jesus* in a marriage. Sacrificial, loving no matter what. Sin and human nature cause men and women to behave poorly toward each other, but God does not want that in a marriage.

  2. Even after 43 years, I’m still trying to get the hang of this. If life would stand still for just a few moments, I might be further down the road. But just when I think I’ve got it down pat, something else happens and I have to learn it all over again. Great post. I look forward to your January posts on marriage.

  3. Very sweet to read – The Lord is the ultimate healer in so many different ways. Thankful for a living God who hears our prayers, and answers back! Hey – I like going to my room sometimes LOL. Seriously, we all need cool down time, if we do not take it – this is where we let our feelings get in the way and say or do hurtful and disrespectful things.

  4. Marriage is hard, and there’s much to be learning through this, though admittedly, I was a little shocked about “being sent to your room” at first. I was thankful to read your husband’s thoughts on that.

    • I had him read and approve this before I posted. :) He’s concerned now that everyone thinks he’s lowsy, which is TOTALLY not true! He is the best man I have ever known. I can’t wait to share more as I go through this marriage series in the new year. 😉

  5. Um, ouch. This was just like you had been here (I’ve been sent to my room, felt those same things – same commentary in my head and picking up Legos, too!). Wonderful to read your husband’s side of it, too. I’ll try not to miss your posts next month.

  6. I love the two perspectives. Hearing the second totally changes the first. It’s beautiful, all the way around. How funny that you felt punished, but all the while he was wanting you to have a break! This sounds so familiar.

    • I agree a lot of people seem to miss this most important point. I’ve done that – been so focused on myself that I misconstrued what was really meant in love and kindness. Submission is greatly misunderstood as a slavery-type thing but it is really love – putting another before yourself. Scripture says the couple should submit to each ohter and when you look at the husband’s role – to love us as Christ loved us – willing to give his life for us – it is so easy to respond to that. I too know my man would do anything for me – do I want to respond to that? Of course I do! Two books that helped me understand what submission means were Kim Wagner’s Fierce Woman, and P. Bunny Wilson’s Liberated Through Submission.

  7. My husband and I are both VERY stubborn so I could def see this happening although I am proud that you came around so quickly. I would have probably went to sleep on the couch and wait for him to come apologizing. Which might have never happened…. I’ve always struggled with that submission thing. But we have been married 25.5 yrs so we do have something going for us.

  8. what a lesson to from this post. Here in Africa, traditionally men do not apologize, but i thank God for the Gospel and civilization that has helped to ease the situation. though sometimes even as Christians, many still take their time before saying sorry. you have a great gift in him.

    • I am reminded constantly how blessed I am to have my husband. I do not deserve him and he is much better than I am. Thanks for reading!! May God do great things through you in your country!

  9. So the kid is acting up and he sends his wife to her room and not his actual child? Because “disciplining” you is so much easier. Clearly, you swallow that pill easily despite that moment you were mad. I guess you hate personal responsibility and would love for him to dictate all your choices for you (or anyone, so long as you don’t have to think, right?) And for real? You go in without a word and start cleaning up Legos? Are you 10? This is pathetic. It is terrible for children to see their mother disrespected like this. Grow the hell up. He should not be allowed to demand you out of areas of your own damn house without a reason or discussion. How hard would it have been for him to say “hey, hon, you seem stressed. Why not go lie down while I deal with the kids?” Oh, sorry, he was too mad to act like an adult to you because you said a thing he didn’t like. He sounds like a brutish moron and you sound like a simpering child. Ugh… disgusting.

  10. I personally know these two. She does think for herself and has no problem sharing her opinions…. hence the blog…… ;). She she has never held back her thoughts to anyone that I know of. He is a kind and long-suffering man who serves his family, his neighbors, & friends. He has come to our rescue several times when sickness struck my family. This is a situation that was a complete life change for them, and tension had been building. All of us(friends,family, church community) were keeping this life transition & them in prayer.
    Just because our kids are throwing a fit does not give us the right to respond sinfully (and Jamie E., if you don’t believe in the doctrine of original sin/Total Depravity, then that does not mean anything to ya…. I’m assuming then, your are a secular humanist who values personal gratification more than what may be the right thing…. ) Back to this family, what we see here is a day that was trying for all, especially for that little foster child who before them, endured only God knows what. What we see is a picture of Grace. Grace for Mom, Grace for Dad, & Grace for kids. I also know their children. Their biological children are respectful yet speak their mind, they are brilliant & kind. As to the new addition, I’ve watched her blossom since their adoption and she is no longer afraid to look you in the eye, she smiles when you speak to her and loves her forever family. They love her. If you think that this one rough day, and can’t imagine that something good actually came out of it, you must not be married, or atleast not for long. There are always days that go bad, but what becomes of them is how we respond at the end. My family loves this family, and if you question my sanity, don’t worry, our one child, who isn’t homeschooled, is talented, confident, and very stable. My husband has never sent me to my room, but there have been some days he probably should have.

  11. Pingback: {Enhancing Your Marriage} The Savior and the Helper - Future.Flying.Saucers.

  12. if submission is “sooooo” beautiful and faithful why don’t men submit to women huh?
    You are pretty much degrading women by reading a 2000 year old book like a car manuel.
    Grow up

  13. Good lord. Have you two heard of talking it out? In a loving relationship, in no way does one person find it acceptable to punish the other, period. Seek help.

  14. There’s plenty of time to talk through things when you’re both CALMED DOWN. I snapped at the toddler after coming home from a LONG day at work and the kids were nowhere near ready for bed. My husband tapped my elbow and said “just go to our room. go lay down now.” there was zero room for negotiation in his tone and he was really frustrated with how the evening was going down. I was kind of stunned, but I was beyond exhausted, snapping at my kids. I got to our room and collapsed. After he got the baby and big kid to bed (no easy task with the baby!) we talked through the day. Its okay to wait to talk through your problem. My husband knows my triggers and knew I needed a quiet, dark room. I never felt punished or belittled. This man has my back and has to protect me from myself sometimes. Likewise, he has a tendency to work late into the night. I don’t hesitate to flip the light and tell him to please, please get some sleep! Thanks for sharing.

    • Absolutely! Thank you for understanding the spirit of this post. :) Waiting is the key sometimes and when a husband and wife are of such a same mindset, words are not even necessary at times because the understanding already exists. Communication is so important in a marriage and my husband and I know each other so well. You said it perfectly when you said your husband knows your triggers. My husband also knows the triggers of our children, and in this instance he knew I needed to leave the situation so he could discipline. Thank you for your comment!!

  15. The title sounds awful, but really, what rational couple doesn’t practice this technique? When two people are so upset with each other, nothing good can come from remaining in the same room or trying to talk about it. The kindest and most logical thing to do is ask the other person to please leave for a while, and then you each continue with your daily chores as you think about how you acted and what you may have done wrong. After a while, you will not be mad at the other person any more.

  16. Such truth! Sometimes we do need a time apart to cool down, this is something that I did not do early in my marriage and being a stubborn southern girl it didn’t go well. My husband and I both strive to go opposite ways when we just can’t handle the issue well in a heated moment, we’ve had too many hastily spoken words that we’ve regretted in years past to not do so. I don’t think my husband has ever told me to go to my room, but he’s definitely told me to get a grip and walk the dog! LOL! He even got me a sign for Christmas that says, Keep Calm and Walk the Dog! I never thought that walking the dog would be helpful, but it really is! Great post friend! <3

  17. I hope that you and your husband can find some healthier ways to resolve conflict in the future… Your children are young now, but I would truly hate for them to hear your husband to tell you to “Go to your room and stay there” once they become older. This is troublesome on so many levels. I understand that this (sending his wife to their room) is something that Doug Phillips used to do with Beall, and he is no role model(!) Why not just SAY, “I felt embarrassed at the restaurant (or wherever) and was taken aback when you said xyz to me. Is there some way that I offended you for you to react thus?” thereby giving your spouse the opportunity to reflect, apologize, and/or explain. No, your spouse won’t always acknowledge wrongdoing or change his/her attitude as quickly as he/she needs to. In fact, he/she might give you yet another snarky reply. But good grief, we don’t banish people who don’t comply (certainly not equal partners). The bible says that we are to submit to ONE ANOTHER. A husband who feels he needs a time out should ask for it. “I love you, and I am committed to resolving this when we are both seeing things more clearly and less emotionally. In the meantime, I need an hour or two to cool down, get some things done, etc. How does that sound?” Better yet, “You’ve been working very hard to take care of the kids these days. I know it must be overwhelming! What can I do to help?” Read the book GETTING TO YES together immediately. You’ll find the principles therein are Christlike (“every good and perfect gift is from above,” according to James, and therefore all great logic and helpful tools are ultimately from God), and you’ll find some more constructive ways to handle those points of tension as they come along.

    • I really appreciated the honesty in this post. In a perfect world/marriage, we should all act/react as you just described. Yet, in my household, and I suspect many others, emotions and hard-headedness can get in the way. Especially on the first try or when emotions are still running high. Not all of us are blessed with such immediate wisdom for every conflict, self-control, and perfect communication skills. Lucky you. For example, I have a quick temper and try as I might to fight it, I would be tempted to throw something heavy at my husband’s head if he ever told me to “go to your room “. Then again, depending on how I was feeling and therefore, acting, I might just sulk off and cry until he came to apologize. Hard to say. What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that my husband loves me deeply and he often knows me and what I need better than I know myself. Though something like this would have made me see red, knowing how combative I can be sometimes, and knowing how unlike him something like this would be, I probably would have submitted without question because I would have immediately realized we were possibly entering “no man’s land” and on the verge of a fight that we neither one wanted. If my husband’s pig headed actions kept us from a bigger blow up in front of our kids, I could forgive him for it later when he apologized for not going about it the right way. What I would “truly hate for anyone’s kids to witness” is a relationship where mistakes are not allowed to be made or forgiven. You may have been too busy judging this couple’s inappropriate actions in this ONE instance in their marriage to notice the part where she (and he) explained that they were BOTH wrong and BOTH apologized. Making occasional mistakes does not mean your marriage needs help. Thinking there won’t be mistakes – or not being able or willing to work through the mistakes – more likely means that your marriage needs help.

      I will say that perhaps – depending on how this all went down (because, you know, we weren’t there) – that an explanation to the kids could possibly be in order. However, that is something only this couple knows, and only this couple can consider together all of the reasons why they would, or would not, give an explanation or apology to their children.

      Reading helpful relationship books is great advice for all of us, but you can read them all and you will never be a perfect partner. I’m so thankful that I’m in a marriage where the worst “me” can occasionally show up, and my husband still loves me unconditionally and vice versa. I’m thankful that my children witness this, along with our immense love and abilities to forgive, and therefore hopefully will not have unrealistic relationship and marriage expectations for themselves or their partners.

  18. I am not a religious person nor am I married but I have been abused and this is NOT abuse.
    I know my experience is not the same but to me it seems similar. There have a couple of times where I was struggling with life and as a result ended up testing the patience of everyone around me and my best friend has told me to go lie down or to go for a walk because she knew I was about to say or do something I would later regret. She didn’t ask she told me what to do and I listened. We both responded to a difficult situation the way we did because we care for each other and value our friendship. I needed to cool down and I couldn’t see it so she stepped in because she is an awesome friend.

  19. I read through the article and I wouldn’t accuse either parties of abuse or try to impose my own beliefs on you. I’m happy you feel you both learned something from this experience. However, don’t you think it could have been handled with more equality? It would have been just as easy to say, “Can you give me some space so I can cool down?” instead of sending you off like a child. And then when you asked him, “Am I in trouble?” You are not his child. You are his partner. You raise children together, do not be treated as one. What if your children see this, and devalue your authority because you can be sent to your room like them?

    Taking time to cool off and think separately about the issue was great, but it didn’t need to involve chastising you.

    • I totally agree…that’s why I explained that this as NOT the greatest way to handle this situation. I was not chastised. I can’t reflect tone of voice in a blog post. I was not at a place where I thought about needing time to cool off, but my partner in marriage knew I needed it. Therefore he told me to take some time, just not using the best of words. We all do the best we can in the heat of the moment. He did not send me off like a child. In my angry mind I interpreted it that way. I was totally disrespectful in my tone when I asked the question, “Am I in trouble?” I was haughty, mean, and emotional. Absolutely, this was not handled correctly by both of us and I hope my children see the love and grace we have towards each other when deal with our mistakes and love anyway.

Thoughts? Please share!