All I could do was weep. I attempted to wipe away the little tears escaping from my eyes as we started singing, “Blessed Be Your Name” in church Sunday. I was in the choir. Everyone could see me. I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. It’s not a pretty sight! Surely people would think I was crazy and had issues. I kept wiping my face, but the tears wouldn’t stop. Finally I gave up and let the water flow. There were moments when I couldn’t get any words or sound out of my mouth. I had no words. Just awe. Just humility. Just love for my God and how amazing He is.
I’m not sure I can describe what God’s been doing, but my Pastor preached yesterday that if God has been doing something in our lives, then we need to tell others about it. So I’m going to try.
If you’ve been a Friend of this Blogger during the past year, you would know that I’ve had a hard time with spiritual struggles. I mean, dealing with sin is no fun. I’ve been dealing with laziness, pride, arrogance, selfishness, and judgmental attitudes. I’ve been dealing with personality flaws like speaking too much when I need to be quiet; and too much exuberance and impulsive behavior. I haven’t reached the “mark” yet, after all I am sinful. But I can tell I am farther along on my journey. I am not the same person I was this time last January. That’s a good thing.
There have been many days in 2012 when I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had no energy to clean the house. I would quickly lose my temper with the kids. And the lies in my head would begin. No one likes you. Who do you think you are? Why do you think ANYONE would come to read this silly blog? You are a bad mother! Why does your husband put up with you and your faults? No one cares about you. You are fat and you always will be. Why do you think YOU can teach in Awana? You don’t know anything! Oh! You think you’re some super-spiritual person? You are so arrogant!
And as the lies would swirl in my head, and my emotions were stepped on…it seemed that any desire to spend time with God would vaporize before I could grab it.
Was it depression? I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. What DOES matter, is that it is gone.
THE OPPRESSION IS GONE!
The week after Christmas I pulled out my Kay Arthur Bible Study that had been sitting beside my bed for most of the year. It’s a study on spiritual warfare. Isn’t it so like Satan to distract us from studies that might make him look bad?!?
So I began reading about the enemy and learning about his characteristics and how deceptive he is. I began praying…HARD. Throughout my study, God over and over showed me how faithful He is. How powerful He is. How He is worthy.
And He loves me.
He loves YOU!
I cannot put my finger on exactly what has changed in me, all I can do is say, “It’s God!” I have made my way through the cave of oppression and stepped out into a field of grace and mercy. I have picked back up spiritual disciplines that I haven’t done in a long time: Prayer on my knees. Fasting. Surrendered times with the Lord. But despite my putting back into place some important focuses, my faith has been so small.
Mustard seed small.
I had been questioning God during my quiet times the past two weeks. Are You really real? Are You Who You say You are? Are Your promises true? Will You really do what You say You will do in the Bible?
God likes it when we are real with Him. He knows our hearts. And He loves to answer our questions in amazing ways.
Why I was weeping on Sunday is not my story to tell. I’ll allow that person to brag on God. But what I will tell you is that God used this person, my teeny tiny seed of faith, and some desperate cries in prayer to answer every one of my questions in a miraculous, gigantic way.
God is real. He is big. His promises are true.
Blessed be His Name!