This is my testimony…
I am a planner. I pretty much had my first 30 years of life planned out. Teaching career, marriage, babies…I knew how it would all work out. I had my dreams and I knew they would be fulfilled.
Beginning in 2003 we attempted to get pregnant…A month went by. Then 6 months. A year. Nothing. We both went to the doctor to see if there was anything we needed to do. My husband actually ended up having a simple surgery. All was hopeful.
We moved to Maryland and after 4-5 months I began seeing a doctor at Johns Hopkins. He told us we were great candidates for IUI. After the second round of treatments we became pregnant. At 5 weeks we saw the heartbeat! We watched the movement. We heard the heart! After the doctor left, my husband and I sobbed looking at the ultrasound pictures.
After 10 weeks I ended up in the hospital having a miscarriage. A part of me died with my child that day. We were both devastated. But God blessed us with great friends and a church who rallied around us. I read scripture. I wrote it out and taped it to my desk. I prayed Hannah’s prayer over and over. Some days were so hard, but I thought I was keeping the faith.
My doctor would allow us to have four more IUI treatments. Our last treatment took place in January of 2006. We were so hopeful after each one, and then all hopes were crushed. Nothing. My doctor wrote me off. He didn’t even tell me good luck or goodbye. We became one of those dirty statistics at that point. I clung to the mental picture of God lowering a rope for me to grab onto…and then Him placing His hands over mine. I had to hold on.
It’s hard going through infertility. Everyone around me was getting pregnant. Teenagers were getting pregnant. Women were getting abortions.
The anger ebbs and flows as time passes on. Then one day I received word that a friend of mine had a miscarriage. I reacted with a smile and thought, “Now! At LAST someone knows how I feel!” and I was glad. The very next moment I realized in my heart how bitter I was and that I needed help.
We met with our pastor. God is so good to give us the words we need to hear exactly when we need them. That evening I did the hardest thing I have ever done. I sacrificed my dreams. I wouldn’t say I had a talk with God. It was more like desperate crying, angry conversation, and total surrender. I literally envisioned a stone alter and I placed my dream of ever having children upon it. I raised the knife and I killed it. If God wanted me to not have children from my own body, then I would except that.
My God is good and He knows what is best for me. I know He heard my prayers and this was His answer:
September 2006…no help from doctors…we became pregnant. Medically speaking, it should not have happened. I had a miracle, a REAL miracle growing inside of me. I am blessed among women.
My son was born May 7, 2007 one day before our 8th wedding anniversary. He is, and will always be, my miracle baby. I was spending some time with the Lord a few weeks after his birth and learned that one of God’s names is “El Roi” which means “The God who Sees.” He truly had seen my suffering and had heard my prayers.
I serve a Risen Savior Who is in the world today. His name is Jesus. This is my story. This is how God has revealed Himself to me.
**UPDATE: In July 2014, my husband and I officially adopted a daughter. So we now have been blessed 3 times by our gracious Lord.